Monday, September 29, 2008


Swati's post gave me a lot of confidence..was shying away from sharing this..but not anymore..Nani- wherever you are- this is for you..with love.

i can hear the soft rustle of your crisp cotton saree,
the primitive glasses lay untouched, abandoned.
the velvety softness of those calloused hands- raised in
perpetual blessing- frozen in my memory.

the mild lavender fragrance that once flowed from your skin-
greets me in my night-time walks now.
the wind carries your smell.

the thought of your kind embrace is as warm as sunshine,
the sound of your quick-step still rings true.
your voice as you devotedly chanted prayers still wakes me
at the break of dawn.
i imagine your shadow- leaning over the kitchen stove, and hear the mirthful laugh.
i smile at the way you innocently worried- and the plans you had for us, your delight at our achievements, your love for music.
and i wonder...wonder where the fortitude came from.

i comb your silver-white hair in my dreams,
and see your always bright eyes brimming with care.
i miss your handwritten letters, your precious intelligence
and simply your presence.

but this is what i do- brave my heart into the promise of a new day-
knowing that i still have you.

Friday, September 12, 2008

a good turn

the behavioural science session on friday was kidding..i think it was a much needed exercise for the class to shed its inhibitions collectively..and begin to recognize that we are a single entity..standing in front of the lot with whom one is going to share the better part of her/his next two years and making a genuine effort to connect with the larger sensibility of the class worked wonders for us..the most fun part was the bit where you got to give your feedbacks to the one person concerned..that way it was assured that the exchange wasnt unbalanced and the flow of interaction remained undeterred..of course it became quite sporty and a tad bit tomfoolerish when people began narrating uninhibitedly about their successful or not so successful love lives but in the end it added to the festivity and wiped out the last scrapes of formality which were looming...(to be continued)

Thursday, September 11, 2008


last night was most interesting. no, none of my strange dreams this time but a really absorbing conversation with someone i barely knew, only having met twice before- the first time was funny and the second was a disaster.. and guess what, our talk lasted from eleven in the night to fifteen to five in the morning..when i had this unjust preconception about the person being....well lets just say...intractable..the talk began very innocently and i was determined not to let it get personal initially, but you know how it goes- sometimes even the best of intentions....anyhow. so yes it did get personal, and it was a catharsis i needed i think..the sense of getting rid of that excess baggage, or probably not losing it altogether but a part of it, through the help of someone who can have a brutally, mercilessly objective perspective on things really helps you formulate your own idiosyncrasies as well..also one needs to realize that no two people are the same..and its neither good nor bad, its just plain and simple difference. and the sooner one learns to respect this fundamental and all-pervasive characteristic in humans the better..we all secretly or not so secretly hate or learn to hate this thing called a difference of opinion..what we fail to consider and contemplate is the kind of unbearable monotony which would exist if there were no contradictions and contentions..and differing in thoughts, contrary to popular belief, does not mean that harmony cannot be achieved..all one needs to do is exercise a certain amount of tolerance and not be totally and adamantly dismissive of another's thats what i tried hard to do, patient and non-judgemental listening..though there were still a lot of things i couldnt bring myself to nod my head to, it was such a revelation nonetheless..that another individual can be as passionate and unyeilding about his/her singular belief structure as one is about one's own..and we never once stop to think that the same logic applies to both..if you dont/wont/cant let go off your ideologies, its unfair in fact absurd to have that sort of an expectation of someone else..a lot is still in my head but its kind of hard to put all that in words..some other time maybe.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

my spectre

lately i have been dreaming the weirdest of dreams...much like imran khan's in Jaane tu...i mean the content is undeniably different, but they are as incongruous and peculiar, perhaps more so..try imagining this- i find myself in this utterly bewildering place..stark and stunningly there are mountains all around me but i cant see them..and i am looking for something or someone in that hostile environment..and there is this terror lurking, like sometimes in the middle of the night when you get up for a glass of water, and you're standing in front of the refrigerator and drinking and suddenly you have this inexplicably terrible feeling that someone is standing behind you and you cant move for trepidation, cant turn around, your breath is caught in your throat, absolutely can't swallow, things like that...despite the fact that this is a dream, practically chimerical and phantasmal, i can't bring myself to believe that whatever am in pursuit of, whatever is my crusade here, is something that has no bearing on my life and existence in whatever i may i always end up thinking that it is supremely critical for me to attain that abstraction and doing so would change the course of my life altogether..

Monday, September 8, 2008


in a certain sense it is...virtually i have been born again..i have a new name, a new identity and hopefully will have a brand new family as well as friends- my fellow business here is totally and completely personal indulgence..i belong to the species that thinks expression of the most banal of thoughts happens to be their birthright..and therefore i take off from this place hoping that whatever i feel a compulsive need to share, would be accepted- if it merits condescension and chastisement, then thats what it ought to receive..but if it merits the opposite, then it would be acknowledged..
au revoir.